~This is how it goes down~

First there was the cancer journey and all that it entails. That ended and the next journey began, living as a survivor and cancer free. But still under Oncology care for follow-ups, yearly screenings and hormone therapy (medication to block estrogen).  The journey started at Kaiser and then took a turn in the road when we our insurance changed to United Healthcare. I was NOT happy with this. Through the new insurance I choose UC Davis. Changing insurance, new doctors and adjusting to a new medical system is daunting enough and being under Oncology care makes it even more overwhelming.

This is how it goes down.

Appointment is schedule with new oncologist, then the wait and feeling the angst.

Day of appointment I am on edge and snappy. Husband took the day off and went with me. The traffic was bad and it was raining hard.

Appointment goes well. I am still wet from the rain but otherwise goes well. Questions answered, exam and medication discussion. This was a meet and greet appointment so we went over the history making corrections in the UC Davis system. Going over my health history and family history. I had been off the Armidex (estrogen blocker) for couple of months and after a discussion started it again today. I want to lower my risk of another breast cancer or a metastasized cancer.

Immediately following appointment, pent up emotions are released. The tears come on the car ride home.

After appointment more questions pop up, I e-mail the doctor and receive responses.

The day after the appointment more pent up emotions surfacing.  Worries. Fears. The what if's and why's.

I feel and react to every ache, cramp, etc in my body. Well, I do this anyway but around appointment times I am worse.

Anger surfaces. I write in my journal and then take it out on a pillow. My counselor told me you have to physically get rid of anger. Hitting a pillow is therapy.

After the anger, the tears. Emotional.

Then weariness sets in, that is where I am this afternoon, tired.

And that is how it goes down.

Screenings at the end of April. Next Oncology appointment in July.

I'll let you know how that how goes down.

LynetteJoy

~Day Off~

I am so happy with my new Oncologist at UC Davis.  What a load off my mind.  Took us awhile to get there only because of bad weather and heavy traffic.  Easy to find, easy to park and building close to parking lot. The lady at the information desk was most helpful. She apologized for not having coffee available. Beautiful building, lovely view from the 2nd floor. Each person I have encounter has been helpful and efficient.

My new Oncologist is the Director of the Breast Cancer Program.  It was an almost an hour appointment going over my  history and medication. I have been on a break and unsure what to do. After a discussion I am starting again this week. If I start having side effects that bother me I can contact her and not wait until my next appointment in July.  With Kaiser I went two times a year. With my new Doctor I go every 4 months. Even though I am coming to the end of my 2nd year since cancer I feel better going every four months. I hoping this continues for the next few years. Mammogram and bone density scan end of April . Hopefully on the same day.

After the appointment we stop by the Preschool to deliver almost 3 cases of paper. My husband has had sitting in the mail room at his work three hole punch paper. This paper has been sitting there for 3 years. The copier does the hole punching and we reap the benefits of having lots of drawing paper.

Thankful for new doctor, the day off and not having to worry about getting back to work or feel guilty about taking a day off. Enjoying the afternoon and the rest of the day with the feeling of a load being lifted.

LynetteJoy

~Oh Yeah...Cancer~

Yeah today was one of those days when the reality smacks me up the side of the face.  I was on Kaiser website, the appointment page and there they were, every single one of them. All 20 radiation appointments ( and a couple of other appointments) starting on Tuesday and the emotions swell up and I'm having a moment just before heading out to the playground.  "Crap...I have cancer."  And I have a colonoscopy scheduled for July that needs to be changed put off until August or September and I don't want to but I have too.  And it's another unknown and now it's postponed.  If I allow it anxiety starts....I cannot begin the "what if's?"  What if's and should haves leave the door wide open for anxiety.  And Tuesday if the first appointment and I really don't know what to expect. All I know is this first one is a half hour appointment and the others, all 20 of them are 12 minutes not including the time to change before and after and the weekly consult with the Oncologist. 

And then the day starts and rolls along with the fire alarm going off right smack in the middle of nap time.  That was fun, waking up sleeping children and getting out the door and then back inside and back to bed. I helped in several rooms.  Last hour of the day was tiring.  

And now I'm home and have one more day, my last day of working full-time, before a three day weekend. Three days to left the work week slide into the past and to not think about the month of appointments ( but I will) and to enjoy every moment of the weekend. 

LynetteJoy

~Really, It's Only Wednesday~

I'm a marked woman!  Three tiny tattoos I received in preparation for radiation.  Met with the nurse for skin care instructions, received a packet of information, and a printed out schedule which is now hanging front and center on the fridge.  Side effects typically begin about the third or fourth week and increase until radiation over. Takes another 2-3 weeks for the side effects to subsided.  I'm going to continue to work reducing my hours my 1 1/2 hours a day.  If toward the end of treatment fatigue or other side effects sets in I will ask the Doctor to reduce my hours or  per the nurse he may say I can only work four hours a day.  Unless something comes up I won't be at Kaiser again until next month ( except for Saturday for sons MRI of his knee).

Finally finished up paperwork for financial medical assistance from Kaiser.  After three phone calls to obtain how much we've paid out in prescriptions I gave up and wrote a note on paperwork..."called but could not any help."  I was given the wrong number a couple of times and put on hold for a long while mailing the darn thing in and will trying obtaining it and giving it to them when if they call.

Husband is working on paperwork for a pension he has. We missed one page, it was mailed to us but never received.  If we can get it faxed to us, I can sign, have it notarized and fax back.  A deadline is fast approaching.  Dislike paperwork!!!

In other more lighthearted news, our Ukulele group has their annual Luau weekend, boy that will be a nice change of scenery.   We also have a gig next week, if I make that one.

Well...that's about it for today, Wednesday....rats feels like it should be Friday tomorrow.

LynetteJoy

~Really, It's Only Wednesday~

I'm a marked woman!  Three tiny tattoos I received in preparation for radiation.  Met with the nurse for skin care instructions, received a packet of information, and a printed out schedule which is now hanging front and center on the fridge.  Side effects typically begin about the third or fourth week and increase until radiation over. Takes another 2-3 weeks for the side effects to subsided.  I'm going to continue to work reducing my hours my 1 1/2 hours a day.  If toward the end of treatment fatigue or other side effects sets in I will ask the Doctor to reduce my hours or  per the nurse he may say I can only work four hours a day.  Unless something comes up I won't be at Kaiser again until next month ( except for Saturday for sons MRI of his knee).

Finally finished up paperwork for financial medical assistance from Kaiser.  After three phone calls to obtain how much we've paid out in prescriptions I gave up and wrote a note on paperwork..."called but could not any help."  I was given the wrong number a couple of times and put on hold for a long while mailing the darn thing in and will trying obtaining it and giving it to them when if they call.

Husband is working on paperwork for a pension he has. We missed one page, it was mailed to us but never received.  If we can get it faxed to us, I can sign, have it notarized and fax back.  A deadline is fast approaching.  Dislike paperwork!!!

In other more lighthearted news, our Ukulele group has their annual Luau weekend, boy that will be a nice change of scenery.   We also have a gig next week, if I make that one.

Well...that's about it for today, Wednesday....rats feels like it should be Friday tomorrow.

LynetteJoy

~His Ways Are Gentle~

After a trying few days where my focus was not on Jesus but on the storm (cancer) I am regaining my footing and grabbing the hand of Jesus.  It all started after Thursday's Medical Oncologist appointment and a battle of the mind went on for several days. It wasn't until this morning walk it was brought to my attention while praying that my focus has drifted out to sea.  Once again I was trying to figure it all out and gain control and understanding of this situation.  The result was anxiety and I became stuck. And that stuck feeling dominoes to other areas of my life. Husband and I had made our decisions for the next step in my treatment ( we are making decisions together).  My cancer is such where we are given recommendations and options based on my dx and the USA Guidelines on Breast.Cancer. Some have been easier than others.  So I had made my decision but still struggled ( and did way to much research)....I was stuck!  I had not e-mailed the Doctor with our decisions.  I realized I was stuck after someone said to me today, "make the best possible decision and move on." I knew what I needed to do.  With that I e-mailed the Oncologist ( we will call her Onco.#1) with the decision we had made and asked a couple of questions about the medication I would be taking. She called me fairly quickly, addressed my questions and sent the medication to the Pharmacy near my home. I had finally moved on just in time for my appointment with my Radiation Oncologist #2 ( we'll call him Oncologist #2 or Rad).

My friend Susan came with me to hold my hand, take notes or hand me tissues.  I was fine, she took great notes but it was great to have the moral and emotional support. Signed the consent, scheduled the Radiation prep appointment and we are off and running.  I start July 5 and will have 4 weeks ( 20 sessions) of radiation.  I picked up my medication at the Pharmacy and we were done. She asked how I was doing? I was fine, knots in stomach were gone, I was at peace. My focus back on God.

I've just started reading a book by Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the Mind. I skimmed over it this morning before my sons Kaiser appointment and before I walked. My focus has been on the flesh. It's the flesh vs Spirit ( the things of God).  It is a mental battle with years of thinking patterns to be replaced with what God says.  It is a good journey and one I want to take but not alone....we do nothing alone when we have Christ within is. It will take training, practice and time.  But each and everyday I can begin anew. If need be, every hour I can start again.  Jesus gets it...when I go back a few steps, fail, or sin...He is not saying..."Good Grief, not again." or "Come on, get with it." or "Why?" He is right there with me, patient and loving full of grace and we start again. No condemnation. No judgement. His ways are gentle. He is hanging right there with me and I with Him.

And in all that was going through my head I kept think I am not trusting God if I turn to the left or the right.  I was trying to gain control and the more I did the more I felt out of control. The issue was beyond the decision, it was deeper than that....faith, trust and warfare ( reverting back to old thought patterns, old ways).  Let's face the devil does not want us to be in relationship with God or to be happy.  He ( Satan) is out to seek, destroy and kill. God is life. Speaking words of life to us. Is the Christian life full of fun and happy things with perfect circumstances and no problems to deal with and the good time rolling by. No! That is not what was promised to.    Life is life....crap happens.  But in it all and through it all I can gain a better control on my thinking patterns.  As Joyce Meyer says, "we have to think about what we are thinking about."  Good advice!  It all starts with our thinking and attitude.Starts with reading scriptures, over and over. Starts with Praise and Worship. Starts with asking God for help to overcome negative thought patterns.  Setbacks, yep!  Fall into old patterns, yep!  Difficult days, yeah. Get back up and start again, you betcha! Will this happen overnight or in a few months? No...I'm so glad God is patient.

This is the day the Lord hath made, I will enjoy it! 


LynetteJoy

~The Year of Yoes?~ HA!

I asked myself this morning I why was so tired last night ( I was in bed by 7:30 pm)....well duh, I've had two surgeries and had just completed my first week back at work. And it wasn't even a full week, three full days and a few hours on Thursday.  While I was at the Medical Oncologist ( which drained me and let me completely overwhelmed and in tears) husband was driving to pick up son from his Dad's house. Son had gone to High School Church Camp and injured his knee. The counselor drive my son to his Grandfather's and stayed with him and his partner until my husband could pick him up.
They were home by when I got home and it was good to be with them after a rugged appointment.  Friday we found out he has fractured tibia and has an appointment Monday with Kaiser Ortho in the morning and I have my radiation consult that afternoon.  This time I have a friend coming with me. I asked for Monday off. I was going to work, go to my appointment and go back to work. But with my sons appointment I just cannot do that. To take him to an appointment, back home, to work, to appointment and back to work is too stressful for me. For the most part I've done well with the emotions but there are days here and there that are harder than others.  When I reached the next step of each cancer treatment the emotions return, raw and real and exhausting.  New departments, information to process and decisions to make.

This morning we took the Sonic in for a wheel alignment and two new tires. My car's tire needed air or so I thought. I actually had a flat tire. We spent the morning at Starbucks down the street.  Ended up being rather pleasant time.  Started at Starbucks, walked around returning back to the patio at Starbucks and caught up with a coworker from my days as a Health Assistant.  Finally one car done, Safeway shopping done and then back to get the other car and I am pooped. Husband offered to finish up the shopping cuz I was getting tired and grumpy.

So this is life right now, Spending money like we got it and going to Kaiser almost weekly and handing over the money there as well.   Every time we turn around something else happens, it's getting comical.

As someone said to husband...."it's the year of Yoes!"  Ha!

But in the middle of this I was offered a job.  Starting in August I will be working at River City Christian Preschool near my home.  I will be their floater/sub working part-time in the mornings.
I've been hoping and praying.  It all came together Thursday, really cool how it all came together.
I had been offered a part-time afternoon position at my present work but did not really want to do that. I was leaning more to quitting and go on the sub. list. And then the job offer came on Thursday.

So for the rest of this Saturday....a walk in the Garden park, BBQ tonight and nothing much in between.

LynetteYoes

~Whisper Breath Prayers~

Sometimes it's the nights when I go to bed that are difficult, when the emotions of the day gather and tears trickle down face.  And sometimes a heaviness lies in my soul and the tears only come after the melody of a particular song begins.  And sometimes it is just silence I need when going to bed and after listening to music that connects me to the heart of God.  And sometimes those emotions sit tight all night long and the morning is rough.

And that is where I am at this morning.  I walked and sighed breath prayers.  And husband held me in the living room after my chilly morning walk.  We both acknowledged we were surprised by me having not one but two Oncologists and this is going to be a longer haul than we thought......

Tomorrow begins the next phase of my treatment.....


LynetteJoy