~Oh Yeah...Cancer~

Yeah today was one of those days when the reality smacks me up the side of the face.  I was on Kaiser website, the appointment page and there they were, every single one of them. All 20 radiation appointments ( and a couple of other appointments) starting on Tuesday and the emotions swell up and I'm having a moment just before heading out to the playground.  "Crap...I have cancer."  And I have a colonoscopy scheduled for July that needs to be changed put off until August or September and I don't want to but I have too.  And it's another unknown and now it's postponed.  If I allow it anxiety starts....I cannot begin the "what if's?"  What if's and should haves leave the door wide open for anxiety.  And Tuesday if the first appointment and I really don't know what to expect. All I know is this first one is a half hour appointment and the others, all 20 of them are 12 minutes not including the time to change before and after and the weekly consult with the Oncologist. 

And then the day starts and rolls along with the fire alarm going off right smack in the middle of nap time.  That was fun, waking up sleeping children and getting out the door and then back inside and back to bed. I helped in several rooms.  Last hour of the day was tiring.  

And now I'm home and have one more day, my last day of working full-time, before a three day weekend. Three days to left the work week slide into the past and to not think about the month of appointments ( but I will) and to enjoy every moment of the weekend. 

LynetteJoy

~Really, It's Only Wednesday~

I'm a marked woman!  Three tiny tattoos I received in preparation for radiation.  Met with the nurse for skin care instructions, received a packet of information, and a printed out schedule which is now hanging front and center on the fridge.  Side effects typically begin about the third or fourth week and increase until radiation over. Takes another 2-3 weeks for the side effects to subsided.  I'm going to continue to work reducing my hours my 1 1/2 hours a day.  If toward the end of treatment fatigue or other side effects sets in I will ask the Doctor to reduce my hours or  per the nurse he may say I can only work four hours a day.  Unless something comes up I won't be at Kaiser again until next month ( except for Saturday for sons MRI of his knee).

Finally finished up paperwork for financial medical assistance from Kaiser.  After three phone calls to obtain how much we've paid out in prescriptions I gave up and wrote a note on paperwork..."called but could not any help."  I was given the wrong number a couple of times and put on hold for a long while mailing the darn thing in and will trying obtaining it and giving it to them when if they call.

Husband is working on paperwork for a pension he has. We missed one page, it was mailed to us but never received.  If we can get it faxed to us, I can sign, have it notarized and fax back.  A deadline is fast approaching.  Dislike paperwork!!!

In other more lighthearted news, our Ukulele group has their annual Luau weekend, boy that will be a nice change of scenery.   We also have a gig next week, if I make that one.

Well...that's about it for today, Wednesday....rats feels like it should be Friday tomorrow.

LynetteJoy

~Really, It's Only Wednesday~

I'm a marked woman!  Three tiny tattoos I received in preparation for radiation.  Met with the nurse for skin care instructions, received a packet of information, and a printed out schedule which is now hanging front and center on the fridge.  Side effects typically begin about the third or fourth week and increase until radiation over. Takes another 2-3 weeks for the side effects to subsided.  I'm going to continue to work reducing my hours my 1 1/2 hours a day.  If toward the end of treatment fatigue or other side effects sets in I will ask the Doctor to reduce my hours or  per the nurse he may say I can only work four hours a day.  Unless something comes up I won't be at Kaiser again until next month ( except for Saturday for sons MRI of his knee).

Finally finished up paperwork for financial medical assistance from Kaiser.  After three phone calls to obtain how much we've paid out in prescriptions I gave up and wrote a note on paperwork..."called but could not any help."  I was given the wrong number a couple of times and put on hold for a long while mailing the darn thing in and will trying obtaining it and giving it to them when if they call.

Husband is working on paperwork for a pension he has. We missed one page, it was mailed to us but never received.  If we can get it faxed to us, I can sign, have it notarized and fax back.  A deadline is fast approaching.  Dislike paperwork!!!

In other more lighthearted news, our Ukulele group has their annual Luau weekend, boy that will be a nice change of scenery.   We also have a gig next week, if I make that one.

Well...that's about it for today, Wednesday....rats feels like it should be Friday tomorrow.

LynetteJoy

~His Ways Are Gentle~

After a trying few days where my focus was not on Jesus but on the storm (cancer) I am regaining my footing and grabbing the hand of Jesus.  It all started after Thursday's Medical Oncologist appointment and a battle of the mind went on for several days. It wasn't until this morning walk it was brought to my attention while praying that my focus has drifted out to sea.  Once again I was trying to figure it all out and gain control and understanding of this situation.  The result was anxiety and I became stuck. And that stuck feeling dominoes to other areas of my life. Husband and I had made our decisions for the next step in my treatment ( we are making decisions together).  My cancer is such where we are given recommendations and options based on my dx and the USA Guidelines on Breast.Cancer. Some have been easier than others.  So I had made my decision but still struggled ( and did way to much research)....I was stuck!  I had not e-mailed the Doctor with our decisions.  I realized I was stuck after someone said to me today, "make the best possible decision and move on." I knew what I needed to do.  With that I e-mailed the Oncologist ( we will call her Onco.#1) with the decision we had made and asked a couple of questions about the medication I would be taking. She called me fairly quickly, addressed my questions and sent the medication to the Pharmacy near my home. I had finally moved on just in time for my appointment with my Radiation Oncologist #2 ( we'll call him Oncologist #2 or Rad).

My friend Susan came with me to hold my hand, take notes or hand me tissues.  I was fine, she took great notes but it was great to have the moral and emotional support. Signed the consent, scheduled the Radiation prep appointment and we are off and running.  I start July 5 and will have 4 weeks ( 20 sessions) of radiation.  I picked up my medication at the Pharmacy and we were done. She asked how I was doing? I was fine, knots in stomach were gone, I was at peace. My focus back on God.

I've just started reading a book by Joyce Meyers, Battlefield of the Mind. I skimmed over it this morning before my sons Kaiser appointment and before I walked. My focus has been on the flesh. It's the flesh vs Spirit ( the things of God).  It is a mental battle with years of thinking patterns to be replaced with what God says.  It is a good journey and one I want to take but not alone....we do nothing alone when we have Christ within is. It will take training, practice and time.  But each and everyday I can begin anew. If need be, every hour I can start again.  Jesus gets it...when I go back a few steps, fail, or sin...He is not saying..."Good Grief, not again." or "Come on, get with it." or "Why?" He is right there with me, patient and loving full of grace and we start again. No condemnation. No judgement. His ways are gentle. He is hanging right there with me and I with Him.

And in all that was going through my head I kept think I am not trusting God if I turn to the left or the right.  I was trying to gain control and the more I did the more I felt out of control. The issue was beyond the decision, it was deeper than that....faith, trust and warfare ( reverting back to old thought patterns, old ways).  Let's face the devil does not want us to be in relationship with God or to be happy.  He ( Satan) is out to seek, destroy and kill. God is life. Speaking words of life to us. Is the Christian life full of fun and happy things with perfect circumstances and no problems to deal with and the good time rolling by. No! That is not what was promised to.    Life is life....crap happens.  But in it all and through it all I can gain a better control on my thinking patterns.  As Joyce Meyer says, "we have to think about what we are thinking about."  Good advice!  It all starts with our thinking and attitude.Starts with reading scriptures, over and over. Starts with Praise and Worship. Starts with asking God for help to overcome negative thought patterns.  Setbacks, yep!  Fall into old patterns, yep!  Difficult days, yeah. Get back up and start again, you betcha! Will this happen overnight or in a few months? No...I'm so glad God is patient.

This is the day the Lord hath made, I will enjoy it! 


LynetteJoy