~Six Months~

Today marks 6 month since my surgery for breast cancer and the day I became a survivor ( April 25 could also be considered the day I became a survivor).  A second surgery to obtain clear margins, the cancer had entered my skin.  I'm halfway to my anniversary date, April  25, the day I found the tumor in my left breast.  That was a crappy week. Finding the tumor, going to work, hoping to be able to leave to go to my appointment. Going to the Breast Clinic, seeing the doctor. Waiting for the mammogram, sitting in the waiting with a bunch of other women all of us clad in those dumb gowns. Texting/calling work.  Internally I was freaking out.  Having lunch in my car...my new car we had just bought the Thursday before...going back into the building for the ultrasound.

Finally seeing the doctor...I needed a biopsy  I was emotionally drained and could not bring myself to wait for an hour, go through the bisopy and drive home during rush hour ( I was about 45 minutes from home).  I went back to work for about an hour. Why?  I did the biopsy the next morning, husband went with me. A second ultrasound was done because it appeared there might be two tumors. Thank God there was only one.  Biopsy and home to wait. That was on a Tuesday.  Two and half days of waiting. People praying and people saying, "it's probably a cyst." "It's probably not what you think it is." I knew better. We both knew.  They way the lump felt, where it was and my breast had a indentation in it.  The devastating phone call, the surgeon the next day. Finally surgery on Friday, May 13.  That was six months ago.

In these past six months, two surgeries, short-term disability, 4 weeks of radiation, numerous appointments and the start of Armidex to lower my estrogen that caused the cancer in the first place.  And in these past 6 months I ended a three year job ( it was time ), started a new job and began Education for Ministry.  Lots of changes, transitions and adjustments in a short period of six months.

The oncology social worker from Kaiser helped me to understand what often happens after treatment has ended.  During treatment you are in fight mode. Going through the surgeries and treatment you become accustomed to your medical team, you get attached to them....they become your support and cheering section.  Depending on ones treatment plan you see these people often.  Then you are happy it is over but at the same time there is a sense of loss, part of your support is gone. This team who is in fight mode with you. Well, this all made sense and I sure felt better, much better. I was not nuts. 

At the same time I was leaving my job. I pushed through July, the final weeks of my job and radiation.  Job ended July 29...it was time to change but I did leave behind a few friends and another support system.  The following Monday I ended radiation. I rung the bell and was done.  Yeah! Right?  There was a sense of loss, no longer was I going everyday. You are suddenly done, it's a odd feeling. You are thrilled, life can go back to normal.  In some ways it does and some ways it doesn't. I am still healing, takes over a year to heal and find a new normal. But wait! OMG! No doctor appointments, who do I call for this new pain and some of us go into a panic over that. I become hyper-vigilant over my body, like I wasn't before. Ha!  What is the ache, pain, twinge, sharp feeling?  And then the day a vein swell and popped, that about did me in. Don't worry, it's called Mondor Cord.  The vein swelled up. After radiation there is a period of time before you see a doctor. Six weeks after radiation I saw Dr. Bodai, head of the Breast Cancer Survivorship.  Two and half months after radiation I saw my oncologist for the second time.  One on hand I was  glad not be going all the time to the doctors and on the other hand I was a bit lost. On seeing my oncologist I was anxious but seeing her gave me a sense of calm and these people are there for me.  I can contact the nurse any time with questions. She was the one who e-mailed the social worker who called me.  

So this is where I have been at the past couple of months. Hyper-vigilant, over my health and trying to form eating habits once I found out what radiation health risks I may have. The last couple of weeks been eating good foods and junk food.  Oh well!   At the same time starting a new job, learning and growing.  Starting taking a class.  Not to mention the roller coaster of emotions. Yikes...that is a lot in the last 6 months. 

So when the social worker explained about being in fight mode during treatment and some people experience anxiety after the fact, it made sense.  What I was saying was nothing new to him, he has heard this from other people in his support group.  It also made sense in another part of my life.  I was leaving a very stressful full-time job.   Back to back two very stressful things and life bumps. It's been about a year or more of stress. Finding a new normal takes time. Healing takes time.  It never really occurred to me until today, I am experiencing loss and with loss is grief.  I am no stranger to it and this too shall pass.  

But today I can say "I am a 6 month cancer survivor.!" 

Thanks be to God.

That one phone call and another conversaton I had with someone made me feel so much better. God is good how He works in our lives. He loves and cares about all the details of our life. 

Thank you God, thank you............

Lynette