Two thoughts come to mind as I wrote in my journal the other day. In between all my words, sentences, paragraphs and after I wrote and wrote and wrote and when I finally stopped (although not necessarily done)...two thoughts came to mind:
1. a critical and judgmental nature leads to blindness
2. it occurred to me that half of what I pray about (or whom I'm praying for) has more to do with God changing my heart. I am the one that needs to changing.
At this point, let me define prayer......for prayer is talking whether it be on my knees, or walking or the middle of the night or writing...prayer is talking. My issue is I talk (audio learner here), I don't listen enough. Side note: Liturgical services forces you to listen.
There have been times where I have said, "I accept....." and a God has done His good work. This happened in the case of my Dad several times when he was near death. I was honest with God, my feelings, but I also said "if it is his time to go, then so be it." In that prayer I know there was the fact I did not want my Dad to suffer. Watching him suffer was very painful. God saw fit to restore him each time. Next month we celebrate his 84th birthday, his 4th birthday after nearly losing him not once but twice.
Other times my prayers were just simply, thank you and I would name specifics. And again if I am honest those prayers also had an element of...."if I give thanks maybe God will answer or make changes that I think should com." But the difference was this, in giving thanks my heart attitude change. The scales on my eyes begin to fall, the blindness I have from a critical nature begin to crumble. A slow, slow transformation and ongoing. I began to gain a better perspective, not my own but from above rather than my inward perspective (and needs, wants) that are harsh.
Throughout all my feeble attempts at prayer, listening and giving thanks....it is I that He is changing.
But I have noticed it is the prayer of thanksgiving that is chipping the stones from heart and removing the scales from my eyes. A new fresh perspective is sprouting and taking root.
If giving thanks, verbally or keeping a gratitude journal can bring transformation, I can only imagine what praise and adoration can do. Something to think on.......
You can also see how 1 and 2 go together....when I pray regarding a situation and my prayers become pleading and repeatedly (or not pleading ) asking for the same thing over and over then my prayers became inward.
This is what I want, what I deemed is best, what I know to be best. I need this. I want to be happy.
That is my attitude. In essence my spirit has became judgmental and critical. I am doing the very thing I dislike about myself...being critical, judging and look who I am judging. The very person who made me and everyone else. The very person who has all things in His power. In His control. The very person who creates and loves. The very person who gives grace after grace after grace. The Word, the I AM who breathes and speaks life.
Will I stop asking in my prayers? No. During church I whisper a prayer to the Lord of something I desire. But at the same time having the attitude of, "it's up to you Lord, "
These days my prayers are more, "thank you" and the keeping of a gratitude journal.
A few make it here....most are in my journal.
-road trip to The Strum Shop with ladies from church
-sitting around a wood table sharing drinks and conversations at Starbucks with same ladies, hearing their stories.
-The Boutique that benefits a homeless shelter.
-connecting with friend via the telephone
-Mama's apron wrapped around my waist (did she ever wear it?)
-husband frying hamburgers while I made the Mac and Cheese, having conversation side by side.
When I verbalized or write my gratitude's, a door opens...the way is made to true Eucharist, communion.
Jesus transformed the water into water. We too can be transformed.
(hmmm.....some new thoughts are forming regarding Jesus, water, wine, Last Supper and communion.....)
LynetteJoy
