~Dementia is a Devastating terminal illness~

I talked to my Dad two days in a row this past week. I typically only call about once a week. Thursday call was difficult, and felt different.  Even our good-bye was different that left me in a state of, OMG, was that our last conversation and if it is we did not have our normal good-bye. I felt panicky.  It wasn't our last and I called again on Friday to check on my him. Thursday call went something like this; he talked about a problem he had been having all day. The gist of it sounded like something from his Air Force Days. He was going to go lay on his bunk.  Then he said, I'm at home, one leave for a few days.  At one point I asked him, "are you ready to check back in?" He replied "yes." I said to him, "you do what you need to do and I will be okay."  Somewhere in the his conversation his usual "I love you" was even different, he added the word "do", "I do love you. The whole call felt like a good-bye and final. I believe dying people talk in metaphors including people with dementia.  He will say to the nurse, "I'm waiting for the bus." It was a difficult call. I checked on him on Friday, at one point he asked, "do you know Lynette?" You just never know how a phone call will go.

He does get himself around in his wheelchair and goes up front to talk to the social workers and receptionist.  Gets roped into playing Bingo and does O.T. and P.T. because he is weaker.  He eats even though he may not be hungry and naps a lot.  He is around of lots of people and his face lights up when he sees familiar faces. I cannot imagine what this is like for him and what he is thinking, how confusing this must be for him. And sad.

Dementia is a devastating terminal illness and there is but only one ending.  Death. And try as I might to onto my beliefs,  death is the entrance into the next life, it is really hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it and I cannot stand to hear a bunch of supposedly meaningful Christian (or otherwise) phrases or cliches that are meant to help but are really cover ups.  Death does sting. Watching someone suffer through a terminal illness is painful and traumatic.  And it will come to an end at some point.

Grief is my daily companion. Anxiety is part of my grief, it shows up in weird places along with OCD thoughts.  Lots of old memories have surfaced.  This is not the first time we have gone through this. My Mom has been gone for 25 years this month and those months before and after her death were awful.   I have had to go back and deal with some of crap left over from that time and unearth unhealthy adopted beliefs from childhood. Create new healthy rules for myself. It is hard work.

My coping methods change, they are not always the same.  Currently they are; counseling, gardening, exercise (daily stretches and stationary bike) and dancing to music.  We also do little day trips or lunches out. We also have planned a beach trip for next month staying at a very fancy Inn. And another weekend trip to the International Fiber Art Show my FIL coordinates and has for 20 years. This is his last year. He and his partner live in a lovely small town that is pretty "artsy farsty" (my FIL term, but is so true). Fun place to go. And my husband and son are amazing. I give myself permission to call or not call my Dad, to visit or not visit.

I told my husband, I think when my Dad passes a lot of the anxiety will be relieved.  That is my hope. Until then I will bring beauty to my what has been a rather dull backyard, dance to Romantic French music and look forward to our beach trip which includes a 4th of July party at my brother-in-law house who lives a about 30 minutes from where we are staying. There will be loads of food, drinks, people in a gorgeous setting.

LynetteJoy