~The Feeling of Freedom~

I thought I would feel like a orphan after my Dad died but I do not. The word that keeps going through my head is, "freedom."  That may sound rather callous. But think about it, he is free from Parkinson's, dementia, and Congested Heart Failure. No more pain or confusion. He is no longer confined to a wheelchair. He is no longer lost or looking for his wife. No more looking to go "home." He is free. He loved to fly planes, what freedom there must have been when he took to the skies.

He is no longer waiting for his Dad to pick him up. His Dad, William Hull Porter died in 1955 when my Dad was only 24 years old. So very young. Daddy had been waiting to see his Dad for 65 years. My Dad died on February 15 and his Dad on February 18. Both were buried on February 21.  Grandpa Porter service at 1:30 pm. Our service was to start at 1:00 pm but was delayed because of an accident on the highway. It started a few minutes after 1 pm with the Military Honors at around 1:10 pm. Coincidence? I think not.

I also feel free. I was not his Care Giver, he lived at him with my brother who was his Care Giver until October of 2018. But I worried and fretted about him. How bad is this going to get? Will he know me, be an invalid fed soup by someone else? Will he stop talking?  I worried about what to say or write. Constantly learning and adapting to the changes from a distance. Calling weekly and visiting. Asking questions, trying to understand what he was going through. Trying to do my best and take care of myself. Fretting about when to go visit and the emotional toll it took on me. We had many good visits and many wonderful phone calls.

I knew he was going to die. The waiting and wondering. How and when the end would come was always present. Would I know when he was dying? Would I be with him? I wanted to. We prayed for a peaceful end. Where will I be when the call comes? Thankfully I was at home. I was not with him at the moment of death but I saw him hours before. He died peacefully.

I've learned a lot the past few months.  Now it's time to take the experience, reflect upon it and learn from it. There is a quote that was shared at our last Preschool Professional Development meeting.

"We do not learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience."
John Dewey

Reflecting is not a problem for me, my issue is beating myself up over something. That is not freedom. I also spend too much time asking, "why?" That is not freedom. Worry is not freedom. Anxiety, depression and OCD thoughts are not freedom. But with counseling and being more open about my struggles I am learning my triggers, tracking thoughts and relearning coping skills. Will I ever be 100% free from anxiety, OCD thoughts? Probably not.

I realize that after I have exhausted the "why's", the next step is the how? How to live this new life without any parents? With my siblings? My husband and son (who is almost 21)? I am reflecting on this. Moving toward the how's is freedom. Is it too soon for this?

I survived the shock of his death. The profound sadness is gone, not there will not be moments but the really heavy profound sadness has lifted. I have been weaving in and out of anger & bargaining. Bargaining like all stages of grief encompasses the actual loss and everything that goes with a loss. Time will tell what parts of grief I will bounce around in. Loss brings up past losses and shakes things up. Moving toward acceptance and healing. That is freedom.

But yeah, I have this feeling of freedom. I am free. Now again, I am not being callous, it's just this feeling I have and I am going to accept and explore it.

LynetteJoy