Went to bed last night feeling blah. Wanting to process things but not wanting to process anything. Wanting to pray but not wanting to pray. Not wanting any thoughts to take hold that would cause negative thought patterns that lead to anxiety. Often my prayers are full of "what if's" and that only ramps the brain up into anxiety mode. So I just said these words....Jesus is my friend, comforter, healer, and prayer warrior. I ask Jesus to do the praying. Deep within uncertainty bubbles about. We are doing all we can for my breast cancer...but there is lies within the uncertainty. I have to postponed my colonoscopy until after radiation, more uncertainty. I really wanted it taken care of and results back by the start of my new job but it's not to be. I will start my new job with healing from radiation, breast cancer follow- ups and other appointments. Life is uncertain.
Someone asked if I was in remission with my breast cancer. When I finish radiation I am still considered Stage 1 Grade 1A Ductal Invasive Carcinoma, well-differentiated, not in the lymph nodes. For the next five years I will be followed, poked, examined, ultra sounds, mammograms. For the next five years I will take medication for cancer. It could be worse, far worse and yes there is so much uncertainty that if I choose to stay there I would be filled with fear, anxiety and depression. Now not every day I am chipper and perky. Ha! I have my moments and yes there is a level of uncertainty but I am choosing to believe...God is good all time. He loves me. Knows me. Wants me. He has a plan and is healing me right now. I have to believe in the goodness of my Father God. He is certainty ( is that even a word ?). I have to believe in his devotion to me. Wanting me to know Him and fully trust him. I have to believe. I have to have hope. I have to have faith. He has been with me all of my life and he ain't going anywhere now.
As I begin radiation I am also wrapping up my last month at my current job. My new job fills me with hope. A new adventure with God. A new schedule, new Preschool, new learning opportunities and opportunities for growth, meeting new people, developing new friendships. Working in a Preschool that fits who I am. I am excited for this new journey to begin.
At the same time I continue to work on my church's website, I love doing this ministry.
And come September I have another awesome opportunity coming my way in regards to continuing education through the Episcopal Church. I share more on that later, couple details to work out first.
New beginnings. Hope bubbles strong. I can feel it. Yeah, life is uncertain. But my God is alive and present and He loves me and wants me.
LynetteJoy
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